Today I’m going to look at belief some people have that if a boy is abused by a female, he is “lucky,” and if he doesn’t feel that way, there is something wrong with him.
I am continually astounded at the ease with which we accept such ridiculous ideas. To believe this one is to believe that all males think about sex all the time; it doesn’t matter how it happens, just so it does happen; that no normally healthy boy or man can be harmed by the unwanted sexual advances of a woman.
So wrong on so many levels.
First, not all sexual assault on males is perpetrated by females. I was talking with someone not too long ago who suffered rape at the hands of a much stronger male. Horrible experience, leaving lasting problems that all fall into the category of PTSD.
But for today’s purposes, let’s just pretend that our victim is a young boy, and the perpetrator is a woman who is enough older that she can control the boy.
I want you to notice the words victim and perpetrator. I used them on purpose. Remember the definition of a victim? It is someone who has something happen to him that he does not want but cannot stop; he cannot protect himself, he is helpless.
A perpetrator, in legal terms, is someone who has committed a crime.
Now, put those two terms together and tell me, please, how this can be in any way a good experience for the boy?
I understand that victims of sexual assault do sometimes feel a certain degree of pleasure. What you need to understand is that the pleasure they may feel induces a huge, unbearable load of guilt and adds to the misbelief that they are somehow to blame. It also often makes it difficult for the victim to experience true pleasure later on, because all sexual activity has come to be connected with guilt, hurt, secrecy, and shame.
Compensatory behaviors range all over the place, from sexual acting out to abuse of alcohol, drugs, food, and self harm.
Premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitive sexual experiences are never positive. It doesn’t matter who the perpetrator is. Such experiences cause confusion and insecurity. They almost always harm a man’s ability to develop trust and intimacy. Often, males fail to recognize the connections between the abuse and later problems. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing, and can cause lasting harm.